What do you do when your spouse won’t have sex with you? Husbands and wives are puzzled, hurt, and frustrated because their spouse either refuses sex or will have sex only on rare occasions. If you have worked hard to be understanding, kind, clean, attractive, affectionate, patient, an initiator, etc., and your spouse still won’t have sex with you, this blog is for you.
Scripture is clear that it is wrong to consistently deprive your spouse of sex:
“The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (NLT)
The Message paraphrases (and illuminates) 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 as:
“Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.”
I do not interpret this Scripture to mean that you should never turn your spouse down when s/he asks you for sex because sometimes we have legitimate reasons for not wanting physical intimacy at a particular time. I do interpret this Scripture to mean that you should not turn your spouse down frequently and certainly not for months or years (I’m not talking about situations where a spouse is verbally/physically abusive or demands sexual activity that feels wrong or is physically painful).
Despite this clear biblical teaching, many Christian wives and husbands avoid or refuse sex. Why? Because of selfishness.
It’s human nature to avoid pain. If we think something will be unpleasant, we tend to avoid it, even if avoiding that thing will cause someone else 
pain or unpleasantness. For example, kids typically don’t want to do chores. They seem like unpleasant tasks, so kids avoid chores even if that means that their parents will be upset or left to pick up the slack. It takes years to train children to see past their selfish impulses to the bigger picture of “we all live in this house so we must all cooperate to keep it running well.”
Likewise, sex can feel like an unpleasant chore, something to be avoided because it can bring up unresolved emotional or relationship issues, requires vulnerability, takes time and effort, involves nudity, has a performance component, etc. So, spouses avoid sex even if that means their spouse will be upset or left to struggle with unmet physical intimacy needs. In effect, they are saying, “I would rather you be in pain than me. I would rather you suffer than me having to do the challenging work of overcoming:
- My negative body image.
- My sexual difficulties, such as premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or orgasmic inhibition.
- My sexual history, including childhood abuse.
- My lack of interest and energy for sex.
- My fears of being seen as sexually inadequate.
- My habit of devaluing sex.
- My anger toward you and problems in our marriage.
- My confused sexual identity or same-sex attraction.
- My hang-ups about seeing a therapist or paying for treatment.”
This is a hard truth. It hurts to realize that your spouse isn’t willing to face necessary emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, or financial pain so the two of you can create a vibrant sex life.
If this is your situation, my heart hurts for you. I’m so sorry you are faced with this.
Here’s another hard truth: Failure to confront is permission to continue. If you won’t lovingly but firmly confront your spouse about your unmet sexual needs, then you are giving your spouse permission to continue to avoid sex.
If you have lovingly confronted your spouse several times, and s/he refuses to discuss the matter or even consider treatment, then your spouse is letting you know “This is what marriage to me looks like. I may meet all your other needs, but I’m not meeting your physical intimacy needs.”
You then have hard decisions to make. Your spouse wants all the advantages of marriage without the sexual responsibilities. Can you agree to that for the rest of your life? Please don’t misunderstand me—I am NOT saying that you should immediately file for divorce. I am saying that if you don’t change something, your sex life is unlikely to improve.
You might make the following changes:
- For wives who won’t have sex, ask if the two of you could watch my DVD Fan the Flame: A Wife’s Guide to Igniting Sexual Intimacy in Marriage. It’s very funny but it also is filled with highly practical, up-to-date information on how to create sexual desire and pleasure in the female body, make friends with hormones, eliminate sexual pain, and cultivate a positive, biblical attitude toward married sex. Be sure to look on the DVD label for a link to download a free copy of the 18-page companion outline which includes a page and a half of orgasm tips.
- Buy a Christian sex therapy book, such as Restoring the Pleasure, and ask your spouse if you can read it aloud to each other in bed. Work through the sexual retraining exercises together.
- Buy your spouse one of the the following Christian sex books and ask him or her if you can read it together, or if s/he will at least read it individually:
- If you prefer listening to books, listen together to one of these Christian sex books by Dr. Kevin Leman:
- Go to see your pastor or a Christian therapist by yourself (assuming your spouse won’t come too) to discuss your marriage and to obtain extra support and guidance. It may be that you are unknowingly doing (or not doing) something that is contributing to your spouse’s refusal to have sex. If you go to see a therapist, be prepared to get feedback on your own attitudes and actions, not just vent about your frustrations with your spouse. Yes, therapy is a safe space to vent, but a good therapist will help you discover any blind spots you may have about yourself.
- Pray fervently.
If your spouse continues to avoid sex for many, many months, and it’s becoming painfully clear that s/he will not discuss it or do anything to work on the situation, you may need to consider a “healing separation.” Here’s a healing separation agreement form. People don’t change when they see the light, they change when they feel the heat. Your spouse may need to feel the painful heat of temporarily losing the advantages of marriage in order for him/her to finally be willing to work on your sex life.
I don’t make this recommendation lightly. It’s truly a last resort. However, your spouse may be refusing to work on sex because your spouse suspects that you would never separate over lack of sex. Separation is your last card to play, and your spouse knows that you won’t play it because of your children/finances/reputation/genuine love/commitment to your vows; thus, your spouse knows he or she can get away with avoiding sex. You might complain, pout, withdraw, or get angry, but that’s a small price for your spouse to pay compared to temporarily losing the advantages of marriage.
I highly recommend you see an individual counselor first if you are considering asking for a marital separation because you will need extra support and guidance as you navigate this challenging option.
This is, by far, the most popular blog post I’ve written, which is truly heartbreaking. Reading through the comments reveals the agony experienced in sexless marriages. I pray often for hurting husbands and wives who read this post, and will pray for you if you leave prayer requests in the comments. If you are the spouse who desperately wishes you could find a way to be interested in sex, please implement the bullet points above, and also enlist trusted prayer warriors to pray for you. If you tried individual counseling in the past for sexual concerns and it didn’t help, find a new counselor, particularly one trained in trauma recovery and, if available in your area, sex therapy. You are worth the time, energy, and financial investment.
I unfortunately cannot respond individually to comments.
Please also know that it is a valid option to choose to stay in a sexless marriage, but if you do so, you will need to work, with the Holy Spirit’s help, on guarding your heart against bitter resentment (“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23). Dr. Juli Slattery’s blog posts at Authentic Intimacy and podcast “Java with Juli” are excellent resources for gaining a big picture of God’s design for sexuality.
This has been a difficult blog to write. It’s hard to look at the uglier, scared side of the human heart.
What do you think?
I needed this article. I have been dealing with this for years and felt like I had no options. Thanks for the good information.
Thank you for this it has also been a years of this you don’t know how much this has helped
Please pray for me. 31 years married. 27 years has been brutal and not fair. I never thought sex with my wife would be soooooo difficult. Especially when she was the aggressor before we were married. I am angry, tired, frustrated with the communication of my needs being ignored especially when I am going above and beyond to fulfill her needs which are communication and listening to her ups and downs and work successes and failures. I am always here for her fulfilling her needs she has communicated. I get so angry at night when I am ignored that I can’t sleep, I am depressed and unhappy!
I needed to hear this, too. But how can you make a sex-avoiding spouse hear this message?
For years I have cycled through breakdowns, begging for intimacy in our marriage, and then waiting, hopeful for change…only to be disappointed when nothing changed.
We are now seeing a counsellor, but what if he is just wired to not want sex? You ask the question I’ve been asking myself for months…”can I live like this for the rest of my life?”…my painfully sad but truthful answer is “No”.
But I still love him SO much…
I wouldn’t say that a man is ever “wired to not want sex”. It could be depression or low testosterone or stress if it’s that physiologic with him. Will he talk to a doctor at all?? Don’t give up and best of luck with counseling!
I am 26, married, and my husband and I have not had sex for nearly three months now. I have a high sex drive for a woman my age (so my Dr says) and I get angry/moody/upset if I do not receive sexual pleasure for too long. It actually hinders my work ability because I get so sexually frustrated that I can’t think straight. I know this seems crazy but I promise its true.
I was beginning to think I was weird or something but my Dr said its just my sex drive. So i told my husband how much I wanted to have sex every day, a few times a day, but was willing to settle for less as I realised he couldn’t give me that. I was understanding. I was compassionate. But then we went from sex once a day to twice a week, to once a week, to once every other week and then once a month, to now not having it at all.
We have been struggling with this since the end of our first year together when (in a heated argument over pornography) he shouted that he was not attracted to me anymore. We saught counselling and our relationship got a little better for a while, however, it only lasted a short time.
September, 2017, we suffered the painful process of a miscarriage, and it hasn’t been the same since. He says he isn’t mad at me and he knows its not my fault, but I also heard him confide in a friend over the phone that there is no point in having sex if I can’t get pregnant or can’t keep it.
Since October of 2017 we’ve had sex 7 times. I keep a journal so I can show him I’m not joking. In February, I decided I could no longer live like this and gave him an ultimatum. I said either he starts having sex with me regularly, or I’m going to find someone who will/get a divorse. He seemed scared at the time, but has since stopped caring if I meant what I said. For a short time I moved to the guest room, but after he promised things would change, I moved back to the bedroom. Unfortunately he didn’t change and two weeks ago I made the hard decision of following through on my word. He refused to sign the divorce papers, so at the suggestion of a co-worker, I created a tinder account. I’ve had protected sex with every man I’ve slept with (7 right now), was honest with them and I have been so much happier now that I am having sex every day. My coworkers are shocked at the change this has made in my work and my attitude. Unfortunately, I know I will have to tell my husband. Not only unfortunate because I will have to admit to something I vowed I would not do, but also to confess that I am pregnant with another man’s child. I am at a loss right now. I will have to tell him the baby isn’t his because it will be impossible to hide this fact after the baby is born. The man that got me pregnant is black.
I wish my husband would have just had sex with me. I know what I did was wrong, but I honestly feel like he left me no choice.
I haven’t confessed this to anyone. Thank you for this post.
Good for you for getting into counseling! Yes, it is possible for men to have a naturally low sex drive. But even if a husband or wife are wired for less-than-average interest in sex, does that give them the right to refuse sexual intimacy for months and months? God created our bodies to be able to give and receive sexual pleasure in a variety of ways. Sex is more than intercourse. A husband who isn’t particularly interested in sex can still provide pleasure to his wife because he sees how important sex is to her and to their relationship. For example, sometimes I’m not particularly hungry at dinner time, but I still prepare a meal for my husband and sit with him while he eats because it’s not all about me in this marriage. I’m not feeling the need for food in the moment, but meeting his need for food and companionship is important for the long-term success of our marriage.
went through the same thing for years. Initially robust sex lift to zero. Talked, begged, ? Health , stress…. He “just didn’t know”? Turned out his sex drive was fine — just with porn, masterbation & whores. Read about sexual/intimacy anorexia.
I am going through the same thing we have not had sex for 3 years. He said he doesn’t know why and gets mad. He doesn’t hug or kiss me we were dating for 12 years. For the last 3 years when we moved in together it is non existent. I am ready to leave. I love him but i have no emotional support or no sex life.
I appreciated your counsel. Where does this leave a person whose spouse refuses sex? They are now left with no resolve but masturbation, or for some ,turning elsewhere out of need?
I am 71 years old, been married for 42 years and have had a basically sex less marriage for 30 years. I love her with all my heart and desires her as much as ever but she refuses me. I have tried everything even toys and it’s still the same.
Being totally honest, I have turned to online porn. I will not go to another woman and have, on numerous occasions, turned down opportunities but I am a Christian and will not do that.
We sleep in the same bed and she will cuddle to get warm but that’s all. It drives me crazy when I smell her, if you get my drift. What do I do now?
I am a husband who basically refuses to have sex. I have been married almost 39 years and my wife is well into menopause. She complains now that we never have sex but yet never starts anything. She wants everyone when we are in public to think that we have a great marriage hanging all over me but that quickly changes once we are alone.She is a complaining, sarcastic, controlling, gripping female who wants everything her way and she is always right about everything. We are both first children, both strong willed, both Christians. With her traits she has driven me away. As a younger man my sex drive was very high and and I endured all the criticism and all but begged for sex as she has had little desire but yet now complains to others “we don’t do it”. She has always been very inhibited with most things about sex being “nasty”. We tried counseling early but she got made when the counselor made suggestions she didn’t like so I gave up.
I have prayed, sought advice from other ministers, counseled other men in the same situation so I have researched this subject what I think to be very well. Her mother and sister have the exact same traits. I have prayed for 35 years for God to change me every where I need changing, I have prayed for God to take away my need for sex.
All I ask is that you not be quick to condem those of us who refuse to have a sexual relationship with our spouse whether male or female. There can be and are other reasons as to why. A change of attitude would help but would take a long time to prove to me as she has “changed” a couple of times when she thought I had found someone else but it was only for a short while and she reverted back even worse every time.
Thank you for sharing your perspective on a very difficult situation.
My husband and I haven’t had sex for 27 years now. Before that it wasn’t very often. I tried everything to get him interesting in me. I wore sexy nighties. Even ones I wasn’t even comfortable in. I would beg I would plead with him, nothing. He made every excuse in the world to not have sex with me. What is even more heartbreaking. I’d ask ,he’d make a excuse. Then 10 minutes later I’d catch him jacking off to a magazine. He’s always jacking off. I don’t understand why he doesn’t want me. He told me once that I was to big down there, in front of my family. It’s funny though when we did have sex he would cum in a minute. So I asked my gynecologist if I was to big. He’s like why did your husband say that, it was a very uncomfortable conversation. I told him yes. He laughed he said that he feels sorry for me, because you don’t have a problem. So I said I’m not to big. He said no way are you that my husband must be really small..so that was a big relief to me. Over the years I’ve realized he’s addicted to porn and I’m not the problem. So I’ve decided I’ve had enough. We’ve been together since we were 20 were both,57 now. I know it may be to late to find someone who will love me and who wants to be with me. I also have a real body complex now. In my head I’m like if he doesn’t want me who else would. So I’m leaving him next year. It’s going to be really hard. I’m only use to this plus all the verbal abuse. I just don’t want to spend the rest of my life with him. Hopefully I have the guts to leave. I still love him very much. I just can’t live anymore in a fake marriage ☹️
I hope all went well for you. I am touched by your story. I too have decided that I’m having sex, whether he wants to
Or not. Why should I disrupt my life and lifestyle when he isn’t fulfilling his vows.
Hi Becky…I relate to everything you said. I don’t think my husband is capable of sex but he says he is not sexually attracted to me. I believe this is BS. Its been almost 7 years now. Many men have approached me so I know it is not me. He wanted a trophy wife because he is shallow. He also wanted one who made a lot of money He got both but as we age we change. The problem is I am 62 now and I don’t want my life to end this way..lonely and unfulfilled. I cannot think of anything I haven’t done to win him over and I’m tired. I don’t even knowif I want God to heal my marriage now. I don’t want him any more as a husband. I can’t even imagine having sex with him again. He has made it clear that he does not want me so I have to accept that. I’m ready to move on. I didn’t realize there were so many women living this way. It makes me so sad. I hope I have the guts to do what I need to do too.
Man iam going thru the same stuff iam at the crossroads i got to do something cant take this stuff no more its unbearable.
I’m a thirty year old housewife (just turned) who is in a desperate situation. My husband, and I have been married for almost four years, and we’ve hardly had sex at all. He always says he’s tired or he’s too stressed out. He is thirty one years old. I have tried almost everything to get him interested or “in the mood” but he just doesn’t seem to respond. If and when we are intimate we wont do anything again for months and months at a time. Last year, we probably had sex 3 times, 4 at most. I am frustrated, and don’t know what to do. Sometimes he does or says things that make me question his sexuality and since we are both Christian, this is hard for me to a wrap my head around. I would like to start a family someday and I would also like a husband that is able to satisfy me. I love him, but I’m miserable. I need an intimate connection and its just not there. I regularly see a counselor about this, and my husband agreed to see someone months ago, but still has not talked to anyone. I feel like it’s just not important to him. I don’t know how much longer I can stay in the marriage and I’m brokenhearted.
Many men suffer from low testosterone, regardless of his age. Urge your husband to be checked by his doctor. My husband found his body did not “retain” testosterone; he now takes weekly injections to combat this problem. BTW a hormone imbalance affects mood, cognition, bone density, and a host of other things besides sexual drive.
Great suggestion! Thanks for sharing your experience.
I’m so sorry you are going through this confusing, heartbreaking experience. It sounds like you are at the point I described in the above blog. You’ve tried for years to get your husband to address the situation, and while he agreed to see a counselor, he didn’t follow through. Change is unlikely unless you take more drastic steps. Pray for courage.
Hang in there. I’m in an almost identical situation….. similar ages and everything. My wife just doesn’t want me and it’s breaking my heart. I’m so desperate for love and intimacy that I’m becoming depressed. This isn’t his a marriage is supposed to be. I’m so desperate. I just want to feel live again.
The question is, how does God look at us when we ARE tempted by the devil and we fall because of our unmet needs? Paul said it would be better to marry than burn with lust. What if we have married and our spouse refuses us; what then?
Ever since my hysterectomy, my sex drive is zero. It is very rare for me to feel aroused or interested in sex. This frustrates and discourages both me and my husband. However, after watching Mark Gungor’s series “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage”, I realized I can’t wait to “feel it” before getting the ball rolling. I encourage my husband to initiate when he feels like it, and we trust that, even if I don’t feel aroused, we can still enjoy the experience together. It helps that here are many expressions of sex. The most important thing is to TALK to each other. Not complain or demand or blame, but share what you’re feeling and brainstorm options to try. And pray a lot. 🙂
Thanks, Debbie, for sharing your insight and experience. You might also consider talking to your doctor about a low dose of hormones.
Thanks Debbie, we men understand that but that doesn’t change our hormonal drive and need. For us its compulsive. Women want their man to be faithful to them but refuse them the intimacy they need. Isn’t a woman who refuses her husband being unfaithful to him? Isn’t she leaving him vulnerable to the seduction of other women to say the least of Satan? How do you think God feels about her refusal of her husband. Isn’t she responsible to her husband and to God?
Yes, just as a man who refuses his wife is being unfaithful to her. And leaving her vulnerable to seduction. But I think Debbie is doing great! She can’t help how she feels physically after the hysterectomy. But she’s encouraged her husband to initiate and then they take it from there. It sounds like they are doing better!
Thank you so much for sharing this perspective. My wife and I are followers of Jesus & have been married for 5 years. We have 2 wonderful young boys. Needless to say, by the time they are asleep each day, we both are pretty exhausted- especially my wife. It has felt like connecting physically is the absolute last thing my wife wants to do. In the last year the frequency of sex in our marriage has gone down from maybe once a week to once or twice a month.
But maybe worse than the rarity of our sex is the feeling that it’s been a total lose-lose proposition even when we do have sex! Here’s what I mean: if I initiate physical intimacy and she doesn’t want to, I’m left to deal with my feelings of rejection and resentment (with God’s help I’ve made progress in doing this in healthy ways) and she feels guilty. On the occasions when we do have sex, she feels used and I feel guilty because it’s pretty clear that she isn’t into it & is just “giving in” with a “Fine, do-what-you-must” attitude. That’s not what I want. I want it to be a mutual act of love and giving. But based on where we’re at currently, that seems all but impossible.
So I feel stuck, and have struggled to not let my feelings of rejection in this area grow into overall bitterness towards my wife. In your blog, you talk about lovingly confronting our spouse who consistently withholds sexual intimacy. We’ve definitely talked about this area & I’ve tried to convey that this is an important part of our relationship and that it’s hurtful when she consistently avoids it. I’ve brought up the 1 Cor 7 passage but nothing has changed. I’ve tried to do this in a loving way but I know my wife just feels condemned and judged by me any time I bring it up. She has shared that she needs to learn how to give in this area & probably she needs to learn how to receive as well (since she acts like she has no sexual needs at all). I know I have plenty of areas to grow & mature as well and I am praying for humility and Spirit-empowered love for my wife. I do want to grow to focus more on giving than receiving in our relationship.
I guess I’ll see if my wife is willing to read one of the books you mentioned & continue to address the issue with her counselor. And as simple as it sounds, I know I do need to pray more for our marriage- not just in this area but overall.
Thanks for affirming that it’s not crazy or sinful to desire a meaningful sex life in marriage!
Jennifer or others, any thoughts or words of advice for my situation?
Your wife may consider having her hormones tested. When women have low testosterone levels (and many unknowingly do), it will cause low energy and sex drive. If this is the problem, compounding pharmacies can make a lotion she can apply to her legs (so that it doesn’t get washed off during the day) that will help her to feel better. Good luck to the both of you!
thanks for this good suggestion!
Blessings,
Jennifer
This sounds so much like my situation. I’ve been married for 2 years, and my husband has never been very interested in sex. For awhile it was once a week, but halfway through my pregnancy (miracle that happened since we never have sex)he didn’t want to at all. By the time I was healed up it was over 6 months of no sex. He talked like he would want to have sex more often afterwards, but he doesn’t. Now it’s more like twice a month. I don’t get it. We have fun most of the time when it happens. I’m almost always the initiator, and even then, I have to work and work, and he’s usually reluctant, so by the time he gets worked up, I’m depressed that he’s being forced into it. And when he tells me no, which is what usually happens, I cry and feel rejected and he’s upset that I’m upset, which just makes me more upset. I try to talk about it, but he gets mad because we have the same argument over and over. He has “issues”, he doesn’t want to, and I always cry about it. I can’t seem to convince him how important it is to our relationship. He may view it as an activity we can do every once in awhile, but I NEED it. I need it to feel like everything is okay with us, to feel beautiful and ultimately loved, to feel that connection it makes with me and my spouse. I need the intimacy. He also doesn’t like to make out or do more than a quick kiss. It hurts. It hurts so much, and I feel stuck, like he will never get it. Thank you for the article. And thank you for a space to vent. It’s an embarrassing problem, when sex is what you and your husband fight about the most. And you can’t talk to anyone about it.
Miranda, I’ve been married for almost 25 years and my wife is just the same. She never wants to have sex and will not even kiss me when we do have sex. To her, it is just a duty to get done. I try to kiss her during the day, and all she will do is barely give me a peck. It is strange. I don’t understand the resistance to affection? I also suffer in a sexless marriage. I just keep praying, but become very frustrated and sometimes depressed.
All I can say is to want your husband more than he wants you is completely humiliating.
I agree. Feels so lonely and agonizing. I am definitely the HD spouse in my marriage and my husband has rejected me so many times I am surprised that I have not cheated on him . Funny thing is that he cheated on me…..shock. I have never said no, NEVER. Yet he cheated because of my past. Yes I have one but quite honestly I wish I didn’t but I can’t change that. The only man I want to be with is him and he just said to me that he could take or leave sex. I feel like he is pushing me to seek it somewhere else. The temptation is becoming almost too strong to resist. Please pray for me and him. For him to see what he has in front of him…..a woman who has forgiven him and is willing all the time and for me to see that he does want me.
My wife refuses to sleep with me its been 3 months with not so much as a hug or kiss. Zhe constantly picks fights and yells. Doesnt want me sleeping in the bed with her at night. I am being faithful, but now it like temptation is becoming the stronger mind set as woman I know, and women I see in passing are becoming more attractive
I dont want to set out and I have tried talking to her, but shegives me the I dont care attitude, what should I do
Keep me in prayer folks… wife and I married for 2.5 years and we never consummated our marriage. Been through pastors, therapists and books but she just ain’t into it. I’ve done all i can and haven’t fallen but being 26 and having this issue aint easy. Good blog, thanks.
I feel your pain george, my wife is not sexual with me either. I know how hard this must be being a man and all. I will pray for you and for everyone who posted going through this. find strenth in our lord jesus christ to be faithful to your wife though she neglects your needs as a man. dont neglect her needs as a woman and God in his own time will bless you.
George — I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I can relate and want to let you know you’re not alone. My husband and I didn’t consummate our marriage for 7 YEARS. Once we finally did, we discovered there were fertility issues and were unable to have children. It’s devastating. Now, 15 years into our marriage, he never wants sex. I’m being quite honest when I say we’ve had sex twice in the last year, both initiated by me. His testosterone levels are normal. I don’t want to sound immodest, but I’m considered a beautiful woman by many people’s standards and get hit on by men all the time. The temptation for me to look for fulfillment elsewhere is strong. I’ve tried and tried talking to him about this. He has issues with ED and did get a prescription for Cialis, but that was a year and a half ago. He never did get it filled before it expired. I don’t have much advice to offer, I guess, except to pray, pray, pray. I’m beginning to think that my husband is simply asexual. Not gay, but just asexual. Perhaps your wife suffers from a similar problem. The issue then becomes whether you can life with that your entire life. I like my husband quite a bit and he’s a good companion and friend for the most part. I’ve learned that there is not much *I* can do to change him. Only the Holy Spirit can. I pray for all the people here that He will intervene and bring healing where it is desperately needed.
If the marriage has not been consummated, get a divorce immediately. Don’t be a chump. You are confusing being a christian with being a pushover. It’s not the same. You are waaaaay too young to be in a sexless marriage. GET OUT NOW.
Your DAD
Is masturbation considered a sin? As a young married woman, sexually deprived on a regular basis, it is enormously frustrating. The need for a release has been affecting me physically and emotionally. Is it considered a sin to pleasure oneself while thinking of your husband? I was told by my husband that masturbation IS considered a sin. But if he wont pleasure me, how else am I supposed to function as a normal woman?! I refuse to cheat on him, and I refuse to lust. I have held out for so long but feel like something’s got to give! How long can I live without sexual satisfaction at 30 years old, or any age for that matter?! I would appreciate some Christian guidance and sound advice!
I am in a sexless marriage. I never masturbated until I was in my late 30s. I though like you did that it was a sin. Where in the Bible does it say it is a sin? The only example that I can think of is man that refused to give his sister-in-law children. His sin was not taking care of his sister-in-law.
Masturbation will help for a while but you will still feel lonely. I wish I could be more helpful.
Alone Too
Philip:
Glad you wised up. Needless suffering doesn’t make sense.
To Desperate Housewife:
NO! Masturbation is not a sin. Nowhere in the Bible do the scriptures say that it is sinful, either directly or indirectly.
Any ideas to the contrary are not true doctrines of God. And many Christian websites and clergy are pointing out that for people in circumstances like yours, and for teen boys and single adults, masturbation can be a valuable stopgap, a morally acceptable way of meeting one’s sexual needs. It is also helpful for future brides and current wives who need to gain knowledge about what kinds of stimulation work best to allow them to climax.
As long as you do not view porn or fantasize about someone other than your husband, masturbation is fine and will relieve your physical need for sexual release.
Many women find that using an external vibrator or wand-style vibrating back massager is more effective and easier than the “hands on” method at producing reliable, satisfying climaxes.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I love my husband and will never cheat on him but things are just getting worse and worse. He neves touches me or even looks at me. If I want to get intimate with him I always have to make the move and most of the time is not completely into it. Never kisses me, other than the normal goodbye going to work kiss. What hurts is that he won’t be with me but he will go into the bathroom and watch porn. I just don’t think there is anything left in our marriage. Any advice would be great!
I can certainly empathize with everybody else here who feels deprived of physical intimacy from their spouses. I’ve been married for 12 years now, and I find it increasingly difficult to cope in a healthy Christian manner when I’m denied sex by my wife. I try my best to understand her that she’s tired and all that, but then sometimes It takes around 2 months before I get the chance to be permitted to have sex with her. I really pray that I get a definite answer regarding how to cope with this using practical strategies (with the exception of pleasuring myself). When I read a few of the posts here that says their husbands have low testosterone levels, I do wish I was the same so that I could come to terms with my situation without difficulty. At least that way I would be in the same page as my wife is. To anyone who reads this, please do pray for me.
My ex boyfriend and now my “just friends” friend has expressed to me that he is in a sexless marriage. He confided to me that he and his wife have not had sex for a very long time (not sure exactly how long but at least a year). Based on his communication with me, I can tell that he is hurt, rejected and unappreciated. He is a well rounded person who will clean the house, cook dinner to carpooling their child to school and mowing the lawn. He often, in anger, will tell me that he feels she is wrapped up in her own world and that “she is the center of it with no room for me (him).” He continues, that she doesn’t support him in his work or other day to day issues. She does not like him to see friends or have other activities away from her or home. He is my friend, so naturally I will support him and defend him and take him at his word that all this is true. To play devil’s advocate, I asked him if he has told her how he feels, what he wants and why she rejects him. I said yes, all the time, but that she doesn’t give him a reason or explanation of any kind. So he just lives with it as being a fact of the marriage. He tells me that he self-gratifies just to be “happy.” I feel really bad that he feels this way and as his friend I want to understand why a wife can’t or won’t confide to her husband. I have read all the reasons why it might be, but with all do respect, I don’t think it applies to this husband. If he does his share around the house and more, is the one who mostly cares for their special needs child while she is playing Queen, then what other possible reasons are for her to constantly dismiss him?
My wife and I have been married for 16 years.
In the last 6 years, we have had sex 18x. In 2013,
we have had sex once (6 months ago). She hasn’t kissed
me in over 2 years and refused any sexual contact
daily from me. I am at my wits end I am so alone…
To Alone: Masturbate, but don’t use porn or lust after someone other than your spouse.
See my post above to Desperate Housewife.
I am going through this now. My husband never wants sex and since we have been married it almost seems as if he is repulsed by it. If I try to initiate something he will start an arguement , he would never go to a dr for something like (testosterone levels, ED) that, and, more so than not, he won’t even sleep in our bed. We have probably had sex 5 time in the last seven years. I had to threaten to leave to get him to go to a councilor. He doesn’t want to put any effort in to anything that involves “us”. We have been married for ten years and have a lot of problems, but four beautiful kids. I keep trying but it feels like I’m the only one. He says its my fault, food not to his liking, house not clean enough, etc. but it feels like to me that he is demanding perfection. He is very controling down to wanting me to make an accounting of every penny i spend, and no i dont have problems with spending/gambling ot anything of the like. I would like to start a saving, but he doesn’t. He wasn’ t like this before we got married, it was very pleasent we did almost everything together, within a month of marriage it began to change for the worse. The more I pray about it the angrier he gets. Sometimes it feels like he never wanted to be married in the first place. I’m at my wits end and feel like my only option is to leave at this point. Any advice would be helpful. It certainly can’t hurt.
Ellen and Alone,
I feel your pain as I am in a similar situation. It may not help but you are not alone. I am there too.
Alone Too
All too true for my marriage as well. When we were dating, it was always a joke that neither one of us would ever need a gym membership because we’d be too busy burning off calories with sex. And for the first few years it was great. Since kids came along, my wife’s drive went lower and lower, until just prior to conceiving our 3rd child it had been 6 long months with zero intimacy. We joke that she was a child certainly by God’s will, because it just so happened that my wife has forgotten to take her pills for a couple of days, then we had this one romantic evening and POOF, instant conception.
Since then…maybe once every several months. I can’t remember the last time, it’s been so long.
My question, and the one that seems to pop up here and on other blogs frequently, is after the talking, the listening, the counseling, the praying , the (you fill in the blank, we’ve tried it) you still get almost ZERO interest from your spouse…what then?
Answers I’ve received vary from “grit your teeth and bear it” to “separation.” Yet Scripture is clear that unless there is marital unfaithfulness, a man who divorces his wife causes her to become an adulterer. I don’t want to divorce my wife, but that’s where the talk of “separation” ultimately leads if nothing changes. And “grit your teeth and bear it” is about as useful…that is to say, it’s NOT useful.
I wish I were more Christ-like. He gave up everything to become nothing for his bride, the church, and he did so without complaint. If anyone ever had a right to complain, he did. If anyone ever had a right to full and utter adoration, he did. And yet he got it worse than anyone else ever did. So while I pray to be more like him (self-sacrificing love), knowing that I WILL FAIL constantly is horrible. As others have said, “no escape, no way out, trapped, catch-22”.
She’s gone to a doctor…at my urging. Nothing wrong.
We’ve talked to our pastor…at my insistence. He suggested counseling.
I said, “Let’s work on our marriage. We can learn to love and serve each other better.” Barely a whiff of interest.
I can see why Paul advised people who weren’t married to avoid it. Seriously, the “burning” would be easier to bear if it were outside a relationship that appears to have zero chance of improvement. I know, I know…maybe someday…I guess that goes back to “grit your teeth and bear it.” At this point, that’s the only option.
There are a lot of unhappy people on this thread! I for one is one of millions out there that’s depressed, confused, angry and just given up on my life. We have been married 45+ years and we only had sex, intimacy once and that was on our wedding night and nothing since then. I haven’t cheated but I was tempted many times. I can honestly say I have no idea what sex is, intimacy and what a loving partner is like. Since day one husband hated sex and what it was all about, to him it was disgusting, messy, smelly, had no meaning, waste of sleep time and he couldn’t understand what people saw in sex. To him it was inhuman to do something like sex to another human. Day after wedding my life went down hill and off the grid. He packed up his things and moved to our basement. For months he slept on an old cot and made his dinners in a microwave. He also started our marriage by working on the midnight shift and asked to work weekends, holidays, and all his vacation.He finished our basement into a small apartment and I was told to not bother him, don’t talk and be quiet. This has been my life unwanted, unloved its been terrible. He is not gay, all he does is work, not into porn he has no tv, radio, phone, computer, doesn’t read, has no friends totally disconnected with the outside world. Any way I can’t see what any one would see in him, long unkept ugly long gray hair and scraggly beard, plus he still wears his 60’s polyester clothes hes a horrible looking person.
I am a husband who is on the side of not wanting his wife. Let me say this- I am not perfect. But I think a different persepective could be helpful here because it seems to be a bit slanted in the other direction. My wife has complained to me about this and I have explained to her how I feel. Yet she still does not take responsibility for her actions. She has emasculated me and compared me to other men. From the early days of our marriage she would openly/publicly defer to other men over me. I would bring it up and she would blow me off. She has chosen her family over me time and time again, as well as others. I come last. I travel for work and she does not care if I am home or gone. She is a closed off person. We have seen two marriage counselors and even they told her she had a hard exterior.
How am I supposed to feel towards her after almost 18 years of this. She sees it as my fault I am not attracted to her. Would any of you be interested sexually in someone who beleives that you are to blame for all of their marital issues. Someone who has to have their way no matter what on every major marital decision, and then denies that you told them you were against the decision from the beginning. Now I do not have any desire for her at all. I do have a drive, but its as if she has done everything she can to extinguish it where she is concerned.
When she has brought up that I dont seem interested in her sexually she does it in the most accusing way. We are in counseling currently and I am hoping that one day she will accept her part in our problems.
I am sorry for what you have experienced over time. I do feel men in the Christian church today often experience a feeling of having their manhood attacked. I have been there and heard things like “why can’t you do things men can do?” This in response to my being unable to repair something at home. To be honest my wife was feeling the burden at times when I don’t experience anxiety and was lashing out. Nevertheless, she can not take your manhood away and your work should still involve trying to find an attraction towards her. Likewise, God has lessons we still need to learn through all of this. He wants us to remold ourselves to be more like Him. God loves me and you in spite of ourselves. He continues to pursue us. Your mission may be to live this way . I hope you find the attraction because all women deserve this. I pray for a healing in you and that you can experience comfort related to this issue.
I see that I am not alone in struggling with no meaningful physical intimacy for decades with my wife despite all the counselors, mentors, pastors, books, etc, But God is sovereign and Romans 8:28 is as true as all of His word. Jesus Christ is always unyielding to my claim to my right to myself. The one essential element in all our Lord’s teaching about discipleship is abandon, no calculation, no trace of self-interest. I have to pray and pray for His will and not mine, focusing on the sufferings of this world can not compare to His glory to he revealed (Romans 8:18). He is worth even this agonizing struggle. I know you are all special to Him and He loves you beyond our imagining. Thank you for sharing so honestly about the frustration I also feel so deeply as I pray for all of us to receive the persevering power of the Holy Spirit and the accompanying joy that surpasses understanding.
It all sounds so familiar. After the first year of marriage our sex life decreased. We finally got pregnant after 10 years if marriage, something my wife blames on her body but i belive was because of lack of sex. Since thw burth of our son my wife has developed a hatred and bittereness toward me. We have had sex probably only 4 or 5 times in yhe last 5 years, she refuses to talk about it and says she has no desire to work on our marriage. I am really just treading water and trying to hang on to support her and my son. So discouraged and realont see ant hope or solutions.
Brothers and sister. I feel your pain and frustration. The Bible says, we have a high priest that can be touched with the feelings of our weakness (Jesus Christ) and he himself was at all points tempted, yet without sin. Forgive me for sounding to preachy. The apostle Paul spoke about a thorn in his flesh, and how he petitioned the Lord three time to remove it. The Lords reply to him was, “my grace is sufficient “. In other words depend on my strength in your moments of weakness. Now if your a believer this is especially relevant, because the expression being made is based on ,FIRST a deeper intimacy with the Lord of Glory himself, which is Jesus Christ. Out of a deep and meaningful relationship with him, we have a revelation of how to express that intimacy with our spouses and others. None of us really knows what trauma our spouses faced in childhood and how those traumas or thorns in the flesh are affecting your previous relationships. I pray the grace, peace, and strength of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ be upon you all. Amen
When you are raised with a religious viewpoint then you are taught sex is for marriage and to wait. So you dream and wait for this wonderful prince charming to come sweep you off your feet and once he gets the ring on your finger and you into his bed he turns into a big frog. I have a very low self esteem from the fact that my husband will not have sex with me. You can talk about it and he will commit to ideas but never follow through. So Adultery is sin, to lust after someone else is sin and to divorce is sin. So I feel its like pick your poison. No matter what I do I can’t win. I was informed by a counselor we are not promised a happy life by God. Again I am defeated and beaten up by the God who created love in sex. Sad fact is there are no easy answers when you do not wish to divorce by sleeping next to someone who never shows affection for you creates a whole new set of issues and resentments inside ones self. After all it was supposed to be one of the HUGE perks of getting married in the first place. Frustration, aggravation, and loneliness all mixed with famous Biblical view of guilt and duty.
I am praying for everyone here and I would appreciate anyone’s prayers for me.
I can relate to all the posts here. I’ve been married for 7 years. The first few years sex was not as frequent as I would have liked and it was usually akward. Then my wife’s grandmother passed away and we went 2 years without having sex. She started taking natural antidepressants and that improved our relationship a little. In the past two years we have had sex about 5 times. My wifre doesn’t like touching in general so I rarly even get to hug her and she will never snuggle up with me. That’s very difficult for me because touch is my primary love language. She refuses to go to councelling. I’ve gone by myself but that really doesn’t help much.
I also feel the frustration of feeling like I am in a lose-lose situation between staying or leaving. I struggle with the feeling of: is she being selfish for not wanting sex or am I being selfish for wanting sex? I also struggle with what is God’s will for this relationship? What am I supposed to be learning from this?
All of this is familiar. It is abuse and has nothing to do with God or your commitment to a God or the legal signature on the paper. There is no obligation to follow something your heart does not – it’s just that simple. The only reason I’ve been in a loveless marriage for 13 years is that I had / have a obligation to myself to continue to be stronger than the mental abuse so maybe I could end up with happiness for how good I was. What a crock. I am good, devoted, funny, smart, hardworking, thoughtful, and put everyone first – I haven’t been able to do that freely anymore due to I have to take care of me first so I can then afford to put others first and reap the benefit to me by doing so as it is one in the same thing to help someone else and help yourself by doing so. This is not a way to live where none of the things I believe in are what I live anymore and haven’t been since I’ve had to live a ‘single” or separate life from the one that asked to marry me due to him not wanting me – and I was a physically beautiful woman who has gained 80 lb so I would not desire to cheat because with his treatment of me I know I would with my high testosterone level as it was as I was in very muscular shape but I have no metabolism working now or desire but want to have for someone who would desire me so I now am working out at home to lose this carcass and find the butterfly again. I wrote a plan on paper to get out and I will be out in 2 years. This plan gives me something to do that is productive for me so I can feel hope for my happiness soon and in fact the very list of things that I need to do to move out gives me purpose now where I had none because in my situation it isn’t just the sex that he withholds – it’s any love period which affects everything – things I want for myself or my children I cannot have without this plan as I’ve experienced. The plan includes a separation and I’m looking at zillow.com for a house to buy and put in my daughter’s name where we will live there while we get the rest of our finances (i.e. HUGE debts he incurred and didn’t pay for no reason – he’s done this for 12 years too after driving 2 new cars when I met him and telling my father that he had $200,000 in cash to build a house with and have a family in). He supposedly had been farming successfully for years where he asked me to be his wife and to farm with him (this meant use me to mop the floor with and work ‘FOR’ him, and not beside him) as I had a great work ethic and had worked hard AND smart to raise my 2 kids on my own for 10 years myself as first husband was physically abusive – with no government or child support and I was there every day in the am for the bus and pm for the bus and was home all wk day nights but Fri), – nope – for all my sacrifice and faith and hope for 12 years for better, my kids and I (he was hardly there – currently he lives with his mother by choice – he lived there for 2 years straight out of our 12) live in a $300/mo. rental his mother owns and won’t let us own to add on to as we farm the land here with 1 bedroom and an attic where she also owns the farm we work and has him under her thumb – no closets other than in the 1 bedroom and I raised 2 kids from ages 9&10 to adults in this falling down shack with a water heater in the only bathroom and a washer dryer as counters in the kitchen) in preparation for the divorce. Sex is understood not to be had with disrespect of me – lies to this day – every day, deceit, manipulation, swindling of cash, swindling of friends (he doesn’t show he needs having a friend or anyone else), agreements he breaks, etc. etc. over and over every day and it goes ON AND ON AND ON. Death do us part is not an option as I have cried over my own death in this “marriage?” for too many years already and I do not see killing myself over this when I have 2 other options – get a separation – then a divorce and find someone to love me who I CAN respect that could lead to love or just have an affair where he’d never notice I was gone anyway while I have 2 years of this B.S. left to go – I’m in my early 50’s so what do I have to lose either way? There is NO hope for reconciliation as he doesn’t even show that he is aware I exist with all of the lies he tells of wanting it to be better and how he has to work on it (and then doesn’t for the 365th day x 13). Being desired is desirable and healthy and that is what is going to go on for me now. Onward and upward.
I forgot to mention that although I worked 60 hrs/wk and I had sex with a great lover for hours every single night many hours after the kids went to bed which gave me tons of energy for the next day (not with him) before I met my husband – we have actually not had ANY sex for at least 8 years now of the 11 we’ve actually been married of the 13 we’ve been together on the farm – and very little before that despite Victoria Secret’s best kept secrets I put on in front of him while he arrived home at 10+ pm nightly even though he was expected at 6pm to eat with family, and he had the nerve to not pay any attention to me ever, sit in the chair watching RFD TV asking for his dinner that was over hours ago and after he’d already nightly eaten at Denny’s to not have to come home yet for the night. Lets put it this way – I’ve been off birth control for all the years we’ve been married toward my commitment to him to have children with him (as he has none of his own and I suspect his mother wanted some – not him) and we don’t have any together – only the 2 I brought into this disaster of an idea for a family setting. We got checked for fertility LOL due to the fact he couldn’t understand that you have to have sex to get pregnant and there was “nothing” wrong – I’m thinking this was a ploy for me to go along with so he could pretend he was “trying” to show? he wanted what he said he did from me without giving me a happy life to go with it and hoping there would be something wrong so he would not have to say to people he and I were not having sex and not getting along and then think he had to get along or tell people I rejected him and he was at a loss of what to do – right ha ha. Thank you to Karma for not having us bring more children into this unhappy marriage. We’ve all had enough.
I’m the refuser in our marriage and I really don’t care about her. Married 50 year’s and I don’t feel the least bit bad about her, she has had 50 years to move on but hasn’t. I never wanted sex and intimacy but for years she whined and complained till I got tired of listening and just moved out of the house. Life for me has been better, I retired from my night job and work around the outside of the house and fuss with my cars. Should we have gotten married NO but we did. I didn’t tell her I wasn’t interested in sex or intimacy before marriage. My own thing is for my life only and I don’t want any interference.
Lately I’ve been feeling like this is a Catch 22 in the Bible. On one hand it is better to marry than to burn. So, you find someone you love and you marry them, at least partially based on the seeming promise of sex within marriage. But then, after kids and life, your wife loses interest. You barely have sex despite what the Bible says. So now that you followed the guidance of the Word, you run into a sex less marriage, a wife uninterested in counseling or doing anything to change, but hold on divorce is forbidden and here is your chance to show true Christ like love for her… But every time I look at her and find her attractive and sexy and I want to touch her, I just feel so small and useless.
But you try really hard to put sex aside and focus on the Lord, and love your wife anyway. You do more than many men do around the home and are thoughtful and generous…and this somehow gives your wife more right than ever to ignore it.
I’ve prayed many times about this, to change me, to change her, but lately my prayers are just becoming angry rants.
You men are really something including my own husband. Women aren’t stupid and if you’re doing nice things for her every day in order to “get” sex, she can see right through that and it’s seems selfish and phony. Women want to be loved and made loved to and satisfied sexually as well. Women know when husbands come near them to hug them and show affection that it usually means one thing. Let’s have sex. It is not impossible for a man to cuddle hug kiss and love his wife without having sex but you men act like it is. So sad
I hope this helps someone so I am going to be blunt… there are 2 issues in Cathy P.’s comment to address because I’ve been in Chris Hall’s shoes. For wives, you have to realize that your husband committed his life to you being his only legitimate sexual partner. This is huge, don’t treat it lightly. To extend the old saying about avoiding premarital sex … once the covenant of marriage was entered into, he bought the cow, the milk is his and is to be joyfully given. For husbands, stop trying to earn sex as this sets the horrible precedent of inverting headship. If your wife isn’t interested anymore, treat her with respect and get busy making yourself better. Get back in shape by exercising (weight room, definitely the weight room). Get reacquainted with the fun loving, joking, slightly sarcastic, confident guy that women found attractive. Redefine your purpose in life, set goals and achieve them and live life for that purpose. It will take a few months for the exercise and the mental attitude to adjust. You’ll start to notice a change in yourself. Then people will start to notice the change in you and women pick up on this and your wife will pick up on the women who notice. Lead your wife in Word and reclaim the role of headship that God gave to you. Trust me it is worth the battles it will take to reestablish yourself and set the direction for your family. And somewhere along the way, you might even find that your wife is interested in letting you lead her in some horizontal dancing.
I am in the same situation but fought back. She witholds sex I withild affection, desire, touch and all forms of intamacy. Wife is upset but I can only smile knowing she is receiving what she gave out for 20+ years. I’m pleasant but indifferent to her now. I realized once I had no demand for her sexually all the supply of sex she had was worthless. Ahe lost all power over me. When she becomes to uppity I simply reply, Well I guess you will have to withold sex from me to teach me a lesson. Drivers her insane when I mock our has been sex life because she knows she overplayed her hand and now has zero power
Since I married my wife she has refuse to had sex with me it’s over a year now.
Since I married my wife she has refuse to had sex with me it’s over a year now.i don’t know what to do.
My wife and i have been together for 10 years and married for 8. We had been passionate since the begining. Then about 2015 her father past away from cancer and she withdrew and she got a new job and i was replaced for affection with Facebook and Youtube when she got her work smart phone. A few months later Her best friend was murdered and she withdrew into herself deeper. i figured all she needed was time and i was there to comfort her, no affection anymore then a kiss from her. It has been over 4 years now. Earlier this years She said i needed to goto a shrink to get help cause i have PTSD. She has been going to the same shrink of hers for over 25 years cause of child abuse and other emmotional problems. Her brother who is in Prison I talked to once one one alone once a year or so ago and he said the same thing i was thinking, if she is going to the same shrink all these years and nothing has changed, why is she still going to this same shrink. Then sometime during my sessions with my Shrink she wanted to come and start talking about all things thing about me. Nothing about her and our marriage. So i broke in and started to talk about some of our issues. She told the shrink about her been post menapostal for years and it always hurts. Like she wont even try to look into options and alternative intimicy together. Needless to say the session ended quietly after that. Then sometime after that she said she thinks the shrink is giving me ideas and i was different and did not want me to go to any sessions anymore and said i was more sane then she was, so i stopped even though it was her idea in the begining. Needless to say i miss holding my wife in bed and miss making Love to her and Fantasise about our past discretions together. One time she busted me masterbating to porn and tried to talk to her about it but she feels i cheated on her and hasnt let me forget about it since and the only reason i did that was because of the lack of intimacy and feeling alone. She always has to be right and it is always her way, and verbally beaten me down again and were i am at the point of mental collapse and cant think and exhausted i just give up. She is Catholic and has a minor sociology so try’s to be the Know it all of our marriage,and has told me time and time when she is in a alchohlic induced irritable rage that i will pay the rest of my life for what guys in her past have done to her. i Love My Wife, i am not a quitier, And i will never leave her or cheat on her. We have talked again and again about it and all she does when we do is withdraw into herself. For the longest time instead of Been intimate together or me reading to her or holding each other and talking, she goes to bed early and i go into the office to watch movies before bed.
Guys, this article was went to my by my husband and i am the one avoiding sex. I would like to understand how long does it mean to avoid sex is against god’s will? In my case sex every day as a demand of my husband is considered a will of god and as a wife i had to be forced into it regardless of circumstances? I Have been in situations with vaginal infections, nausea and other consequences from pregnancy and still sex every day is a must? Did got mean abuse in a couple is normal and your body is a tool for other to enjoy? I am sorry this article has been pointed to me today as a go by bible novel and i feel as a woman that tries to fulfill the needs of my husband as much as i can and it is still not enough, for my husband not to have night of sex is giving him a right to rage ? I am deeply touched by the power of the author to express an opinion in a bit careless matter without specifying how many days, months, years is it to fall into category of rejecting? Does marriage really justify demand of sex every day?
The Bible speaks of a very high standard for husbands – one in which domestic violence, rape or selfish behaviour has absolutely no place and such actions can never be justified or reconciled with the love Jesus calls his followers to show.
It should be said clearly that God has a very high standard for husbands. A husband forcing sex or not taking account of his wife’s needs or welfare is wrong. A husband is called upon to love his wife and put her needs before his own. Ephesians 5:25 says ‘Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…(Ephesians 5:25 NIV1984). Jesus showed us the ultimate in sacrifice for others.
Sex every day sounds crazy! Yes you should try to please each other, but you both have a right to say NO. Maybe you can work out a compromise, e.g. twice a week? And I want to add, if your husband is “demanding sex” that’s wrong. If he’s forcing you to have sex that’s rape. If you say no and he does it anyway THAT’S RAPE. You have every right to leave him and file charges. Nowhere in the Bible does it say it’s ok to rape someone!
Chris and All Guys Here-
Add another one to the list of guys trying to do the right thing according to the Bible but having their “Christian” wives reject, mock and ignore them.
The church refuses to address the issue at risk of offending the females in the congregation and losing that tithe. Christian counselors that we’ve been to (for over two years) have actually told me not to quote the Bible in the home on this issue of wives withholding sex. They’ve said that one shouldt “use” scripture to “get what I want”. Well, if what I want matches up with what God says, seems like Scripture should absolutely be spoken into the home.
Plus, it shouldn’t be just me that wants sex. Should be a mutual desire. But it’s not. Wife tells me to back off quit asking and give her a chance to initiate sex. Then never initiated. Hasn’t initiated in 4 years. I’m screwed if I ask because then she says all I want is sex and that I have a hyperactive sex drive. If I don’t ask, nothing happens.
This is an epidemic in the Christian community. The timidity and fear of the church in addressing it (especially the “non denominational” Joel Osteen/Chris Hodges tour churches) is severely disappointing and leaves men out to dry. Men have tried every approach mentioned in all the various booms (5 Love Languages, Sex starts with chores in the kitchen, nonsexual touch to set the mood, etc). All is met with ambivalence and rejection.
Wife has actually told me when I want to have sex with her and she refuses to just take that desire to God. Well, God gave me a wife for a lot of reasons, but according to scripture one of the primary reasons is to have a willing, participating, available sexual partner.
So we just continue to pray. What else can we do
I would greatly appreciate some follow up advice to this blog. I have been married for 16 years and we had an active sex live for the total of 3 to 4 months. What changed? She got pregnant, once she realized she was that became the excuse not to have sex. The hard part is that she has been unfaithful and has always had a desire to be around singles. I found out only because when she went out with her “girlfriends” I received a call from a woman I didnt know. She was the girlfriend of 1 of the 7 guys my wife went out with. I called my wife to see if she was ok since she told me she’d be home midnight. Instead of reaching her a guy answered, when I announced who I was he hung up and started joking with the other guys there about what he has done with my wife. This woman realized that my wife was not single but married. She then called tod me I needed to come and get my wife. When I arrived that woman met me introduced herself and told me that my wife was being unfaithful, that needed to come and get her away from the guys she was with.
There has been other incidents similar to this, point being she has a sex drive. I have seperated 3 times and she knows how to love me to win me back. Once her overall goal has been met intemency comes to a stand still. Each night a different excuse. From tired, headaches, thinks she sick, stomach pains ect… when she decided she wanted another baby everything went back to how it was at the beginning of our marriage. After 6 months and no baby she went to the dr and had me go. I needed medicine and the dr put her on medication to regulate he cycle. At this point sex was only when she was ovulating. Once pregnant it all stopped again.
I have shared with her what the bible says, shared my pain, frustration, desires and need for her to love me. We have talked with our pastor who shared with us what God says about sex in marriage. Went to counseling, I have pleaded read numerous Christian books to see if there was things I could work on and improve. One star that sex starts in the kitchen first thing in the morning. Other wards to love her and be affectionate throughout each day. Learn to speak her love language ect.. I feel that there is no changing our marriage. The hard part is that there are other issues.. its obvious to me that she does not love me but rather saw the financial benefits to being married to me. I was raised not divorce and I’m aware that adulatory is a reason that God allowed it. I guess I’m lost. I want to leave and never turn back…. I have been sleeping in my office because I am tired of her asking coor messages, back rubs and afterwards when I attempt the next step she gets mad and provides an excuse. She can care less that I am in my office on the couch. I would appreciate some advice. Biggest fear is her moving in with her parents with my children. I do not want them raised with worldly values.
I’m so sorry but this is bull ….I feel terrible I dont want sex and would do anything to fix it ..and here to even suggest my husband leave me because of my past and present mental complicated messed up head doesnt make me want sex ….this is so wrong …..
Came to this article looking for help left feeling worse…
I am 35 and my wife is 34. In my case there are rules created by my wife while doing sex.
1. No lip kisses
2. No wet kissing on face neck. Etc.
3. No wet kisses on breasts and avoide licking it
4. No licking on anywhere on the body as it turns her off
5. Mostly she will ask not to remove the top while having sex
6. No oral sex.
7. Only one position I.e. in missionary pose. She does not like turning and moving a lot during sex.
8. In winters she prefers doing everything inside a thick blanket as she feels cold even with 2 heaters and 75 temperature
Now she is saying that I don’t know how to do foreplay and make a good environment before sex. And shouting at me that she cannot have a second baby because of me. Actually I don’t even want to last long while doing such kind of sex because there is no motivation.
I feel your pain Ashish. My wife doesn’t initiate, rarely ever wants to have sex, and then lays tons of rules on top of it all when we finally do have sex. In my marriage, I’m not even allowed to touch my wife’s vagina. At all, ever. I have had the same feelings expressed here by every other spouse. I’ve gone through every emotion, tried everything suggested except for separation/divorce. It would be financially terrible and I hate to do that to our 2 teen boys, but after 24 years of marriage, things only get worse not better at all. I can’t even touch my wife’s vagina…the amount of pain, heartbreak, and loneliness is indescribable.
Years ago I had the same problem with all the rules and regulations when it came to sex . After putting up with this crap plus all the sargent type orders she threw at me, I just told her to go to hell and I’m not putting up with her anymore. Told her to find some one else to put up with her garbage. So I moved out of the house and built myself a small home work shop and garage, for myself. I started working the midnight shift by choice and worked long hours, all holiday’s and gave away my vacation days. She finally stop screaming and stopped trying to intiminate me, I ignored her and still do. This has been going on for 40 years. To old to care about anything any more, but I would call 911 for her.
This is why marriage is a waste of everything…….
See where all these people feel cheated……
I agree. I have told my children the same. My marriage actually helped to turn me away from Catholicism.
I’ve read your blog and it helps me a lot. I’m 33 years old and married t my husband for 2 years. We have 1 daughter. Ever since I told my husband that I don’t want to use any contraceptives, he also stops making love to me. We haven’t had sex for a long time now. I missed the intimacy, he won’t even hug me at night. All I can do is just cry. He told me once that he doesn’t want an additional baby. So he deprived me of sex. I think it’s unfair even for anyone. I want to get out of this horrible marriage. We are just 2 years and a lifetime to be together. If he won’t have sex with me then I think it’s better if we live separate ways.
Why hasn’t he gotten a vasectomy? Or using condoms?
Great article but didn’t really see anything useful for my situation (except for maybe using 1 Corinth 7:3-5 as a weapon to get sex from my wife – thanks for that. Joking of course 🙂 Been married 30+ years, neither of us have ever cheated on the other. We used to have a great sex life. She went through menopause and some surgeries and now sex simply hurts for her. She’s given me permission to masturbate (that was a fun talk) and we still snuggle, kiss daily, I love everything about being with her, only thing missing is sex. We even tried me thrusting through her closed thighs – that ended up not feeling good for either of us. Thanks for the article (there’s not enough of these on the internet.) You’ve given me a lot of extra bullet points for discussion with my wife. (Also – stunned to hear how many women say their husbands don’t want sex. I’m horny all the time, since I was 13. I just assumed all males were hard-wired that way.) All God’s love and prayers for all of you.
the fact that u have those other forms of intimacy is wonderful. I have none of any of it.
I am sorry you feel that way and that “you’d do anything to fix it…”, however, there are a lot tons you CAN take to fix it, perhaps start with yuh our doctor… a spouse or your spouse feeling alone frustrated and hurt- perhaps enough to leave a marriage isn’t unrealistic or cruel.. the suffering the rejected partner endures is heavy.
I have been married for 19 years, but my husband hasn’t touched me sexually in 13 years. He has an anger problem and it used to be pretty bad. He went on antidepressants and they have made him back into the man I fell in love with. However, this medication has a big impact on sexual function. Then you add in his diabetes and almost nonexistent testosterone, and that equals 13 years of loneliness for me. We have tried multiple medications and none helped and no treatment raised his testosterone. Our family doctor told me that my husband may never again have a desire or ability to have intercourse. My husband gets upset when I even mention the subject. I understand the medical component but it doesnt stop my feelings of rejection, inadequacy, feeling unwanted and honestly it has been so long that even when he tries to “snuggle” or kiss i pull away. It makes me very uncomfortable when he tries a long hug even. For the first 8 years or so i would have done anything for a long hig or a good kiss, so why does his touch upset me and make me so uneasy? I do love my husband. I have never cheated on him and believe in Christ and my vows. I just dont know what to do. Please pray for me.
For those of you who are 5 or 10 years into a sexless, and for many, essentially a loveless marriage; that was me 35 years ago. I thought then that patience, sacrificial love and trusting God would eventually win the day. It hasn’t. My wife never really liked sex, early in marriage there were rare occasions when she physically responded and so I thought there was hope for the future. After nearly 45 years of marriage, the last fifteen with no sexual relationship at all, I know understand that the issue was probably never physical. I know for some men and women who avoid sex, an underlying problem is hormonal ect, but even then the real problem might be a lack of love towards their partner. I have often done things for, and with, my wife that I don’t enjoy but I do them because I love her and I want to please her. That has never been the case with my wife and sex. I’ve been accused of being a brute, that there is something wrong with me and similar things simply for wanting to have a sexual relationship. Early in our marriage, the no’s came with excuses, I’m too tired, Then when children came along, it was “I’m pregnant or we just had a child, how could you even think about it (six months after the baby was born). A few years later, the nos came with criticism and accusation. “It’s your fault, you didn’t pay enough attention to me during the day” etc. Then came a period of time when it was “just be patient”. And then came the “i don’t want to talk about it.” Along with the little or no sex there was a growing sense that I am not a priority at all in her life. Before kids, it was her parents that came first, then with children, it was children, then her parents then maybe me. Now its grandkids, kids, her family and I’m not on the radar. I suspect her older brother may have sexually abused her as a child, but that’s just a guess I came up with a few years ago. I also think that at a very deep level, she believes sex is basically evil and only permissible for procreation. Among the excuses I heard along the way was, “I don’t want to get pregnant again, birth control pills are bad for my health, I hate condoms.” So, I got a vasectomy thinking that would change things. it didn’t, at all. I read some of the comments where people said we have a great time cuddling but there isn’t anything more. I only wish I had even that. She hates cuddling, always has. We haven’t kissed in I don’t now how long, When I try and hug here, she turns to stone. I wish now I had confronted her many many years ago as though she were an unfaithful wife (in truth, she is), but the advice I got back then was try and be more loving, love is sacrificial, look at yourself and see what you’re doing wrong etc etc. I don’t pretend to be perfect, I know I’m not as sensitive as she wanted me to be, and there were times I just wasn’t there (literally, I was deployed in the military, and figuratively, pressures at work, finances etc), but I’m just a man, not God. I’ve tried coming to grips with celibacy, but all I have is growing bitterness and resentment. I know that’s bad, but what am I to do?
After baby my spouse won’t make love to me. Why?
I’m 35 and have been married for nearly 6 years. The marriage has yet to be consummated. He has ran off the 3 counselors we had, and I’ve developed panic disorder since I’ve been with him. (He’s very controlling as he’s never discussed finances with me, has tried to treat me like a child, etc. He mistreats his parents as well.)
Anyway, I’ve prayed and prayed and have sought Biblical counsel multiple times and no success. I fear that if I stay and wait for when he may eventually change, that I will never become a mother, and he will continue to break me down. I came across this article in trying to get the courage to do what I believe is the best thing to do- leave.
Thank you for sharing this article. Many Christian women struggle with knowing what’s the best thing to do in situations like this.
My husband wants sex but it’s only a band aid that temporarily covers wounds that won’t heal. I won’t have sex because he doesn’t ever please me and he won’t read or do anything to meet my sexual needs so I just become bitter if I have to do it and it’s not healthy for me so I’ve had it.
Thank you for this post. It’s sad to know I’m not alone but a comfort too. My wife suddenly refused any sort of intimacy 4 years ago. Even when my father died, a year later, the only physical contact was one hug. I’ve spoken to her, written to her, continued to be as loving as I can be but she has become more cold and disinterested in me and my children. I cannot remember the last time she asked me how my day was. As a believer, I married in faith and took my vows before God seriously. Now, I can see no way to stay like this. All I have ever wanted from marriage was love and intimacy, sharing and giving of myself to another. It is too painful to continue and ia causing many temptations. So, I think I have to trust God will continue with us, if I suggest we separate. Ideally, I would like to do this with no fault. Not that this is true but I don’t want to create more tension that could affect my children. I wonder, is this path I should take.
Thank you for your prayers.
Flat out what did god say. ? Who told you that it was your own body.? if you are married..This is the same thing that happened in the garden. Very scary,very scary. If you are saved. If you are not I understand go to a counselor.. Christians who practice no denying the other need to go to god first not no counselor..god is sovereign! So if the disrespect of guarding his temple is not holy then are you holy?
My husband and I will be married 10 years and we’ve only had sex a few times. I never had much of a sex drive, but over time, the lack of feeling desired really got to me. My husband has diabetes and now kidney failure and uses the excuse that he has no sex drive. But that’s not true because he masturbates himself while thinking of feet and shoes. I don’t think he’s straight because women do not seem to turn him on (only feet). I’m sad because we have become really close, like best friends, but he refused to please me. He says I take too long, but that’s because I’m not into him and know he is not into me. Yesterday I felt aroused by him for the first time in years, so I told him. He just said “thank you” so I went upstairs and cried. He says I’m very gentle, I don’t nag much, and I do treat him like a man. We went to a Christian counselor who told my husband he was selfish. My husband doesn’t see a need to change and just blames it on his medical problems. I’m starting to think about others even though I have never cheated. In fact, I got feelings for his best friend, but didn’t act on it and they went away, but it will probably happen again. It’s sad.
My Wife and me have been married for 13 years. Before we were married, it was sex all the time. Then, we got married. She denied me on our wedding night.
She got her first iphone in 2012. Since then, it has been all iphone. I cannot compete with the iphone, it wins every single time. Sometimes when I try to initiate, she is so focused on that little screen in her hand that she doesn’t even know I’m in the room. When I confront her about it, she loses her mind says that she’s ‘working’. She works very hard 15-16 hours a day.
We have 2 amazing kids and I want to live with them as I love being a Dad. So, I deal. What is going to happen when the kids leave? I am sick of begging for sex. I’m 44 and have a high sex drive, she seems to have the sex drive of a dead person.
If we have sex once every 2 months, I feel lucky. I would do it every day if I could. I am sick of beating off, feeling frustrating and alone. She makes me feel like I’m some some of pervert for wanting to have sex with her. When we do have sex, there’s no foreplay, no kissing. We just get our genitals out, mash em together for a few minutes and she goes back to her iphone.
I am in sales. So, I naturally get rejected all the time. Getting rejected at home is a whole different level though. My self confidence is at an all time low, it’s tough to focus on my work. I am struggling.
I decided that my husband broke his vows by not loving honoring or cherishing me. I didn’t sign up for celibacy. I have sex with other men. I am discreet, but I am unwilling to sacrifice my sexuality, disrupt the lives of my children (now mostly grown) or give up every other aspect of the life I have built in the 33 years I have been with him. My only fears are having other people find out or falling for somebody. My husband is selfish and has used withholding of sex to punish me for his own unhealed trauma. I know I am desirable and sex is part of the human experience. I was turned down 90 % of the times I initiated, we have not had sex in two years once I decided his rejections of me were too much. He was ok with sex 3 times a year. To put that into perspective, if I initiated 25 times in a year, which was always fraught w anxiety due to high chance of rejection, we would have sex maybe 4 times that year. In the past 7 years we have had sex not even ten times. I’m angry that he refused to deal with this when I would beg him, and also that he masqueraded as a healthy human while roping me into this fake marriage. Unfortunately I didn’t realize the reality of this situation until I had 2 children and had given up my career. I was in complete denial and so ashamed.. we are both very attractive and he relishes attention from other people.
It is really bad to hear that from all of you, i know there is no problem without a solution. there will be a solution please just continue putting yourselves in the hands of God. He is going to help you.
I think masturbation depreciates men… A man needs a woman, not a hand. It is bad for the man self steem. I would consider paid sex better than that, at least it is real (thought a little incomplete, empty)
I could never understand the “I don’t feel like it” argument. I don’t feel like taking out the trash, but I do it for the sake of our marriage. I don’t feel like a whole bunch of things that can be outsourced (cleaning, cooking gardening etc) but I do it because I love my wife. However, THE ONE SACRED THING that can’t be outsourced (sex) is the very thing she never feels like and is quite happy to unilaterally impose a vow of celibacy on me. I never signed up for that. I vowed fidelity not celibacy.
I’ve completely given up on ever having sex again. We “saved” ourselves for each other for the wedding night and starting out, sex was just OK. Fast forward to 2 babies (weight gain, stretch marks, varicose veins) and sex slowed to a crawl. She had her legs stripped but they became bad again. Our current MD just winces at them now. Fourteen years ago, she lost both breasts to cancer and has a scarred chest as a result. Reconstructive breast surgery was totally out of the question so as to avoid clot-causing operations. So I have been celibate since that time. No touching of her legs or chest, undress in the bathroom, turn off lights and hide beneath the sheets. I’ve been in a Christian marriage for 44 years, NO sex life the last fourteen and no hope that things will ever change.
I looked forward to a normal sex life but have been hugely disappointed. The one-flesh concept was as short-lived as a fleeting summer day quickly replaced by the cold winds of fall followed by an icy winter that never ends!
I have read the stories above , although the trends are the same, there is no solution to these? I am married 39 years now, my wife decide now to teach me a lesson . Apparently she hate it if I raise my voice of give her a certain “ look”! She in counseling told the therapist that she will not have sex with me!
This after: 7,5 years of no sex from marriage! She had some physical problem she would not sort out
I do all the cooking of dinners, she does not even make me a cup of tea! Nothing!
She buys at random with my creditcard
I earn 90% of our income
She is a good mother to the daughters
Our house is allways immaculately clean and tidy
She has ALL other privileges in marriage
I work hard
Cook food
Make drinks
Do garden work
Are. Ot allowed a pet eg a dog
Pay for everything
Make my own drinks and hers when I return from work
Get sent to buy groceries after work
But is refused sex due to the way I sometimes talk to her or look at her??
Do I stay or go?
what do you do when wife has hysterectomy and has no desire ?
I felt like this post was written just for me, i love my wife and have never cheated on her, i do everything for her, i provide all so she can be a stay at home mom, i cover all bills and i mean all of them, i even give her 600 a month in free spending money, i do everything she asks me to do, im understanding, im patient, im kind, i never harass her for sex but it just does not happen, been with her 12 years and only first 2 years were sexual, on a good year its maybe 4-5 times a year, yes a year, she has no interest at all, i have talked to her and begged her but she has this high and mighty chip on her shoulders like its her right, she gets mad at me for asking nicely or even bringing up anything sexual and treats me like im doing something wrong for asking or even bringing it up, oh and those 4-5 times a year only happens on her terms, when how, why etc… and only when it benefits her and she thinks this is ok like its her right as a woman to say no which i agree it is just not say never which is the way it is, im ready to give up but cant, forever screwed, now thats an oxymoron!
Hearing these stories I know what you are all going through. I have been married for 16 years. I have kids and my wife have a very low sex drive. At first she used it as a weapon saying she withheld it from me for certain reasons. Then it went from once a month to once every two months. She made every excuse in the book. I felt small, emotionally drained all the time, angry, frustrated. I didn’t realize the lack of intimacy and sex caused this. Now to me intimacy and sex is not the same thing. I have a high sex drive but I could forgive only doing it a few times a years but the lack of intimacy had me feeling rejected. I turned to porn. Now I am Christian and I know that porn is a sin. It left me conflicted and feeling so angry I was taking it out on my kids and her. I started resenting her and hating her. I prayed for these feeling to go away because it wasn’t helping any. I even asked her to take vacations with me or I was always the one asking for date nights. But if a friend ask her to go on vacation she would jump at it. So finally I got to a point where I didn’t want to do this anymore. I asked a for a divorce, and God has put someone in my life. She is amazing not just sexually but also intimacy. I didn’t realize how much of a difference when you have two people wanting to be touched and love on each other. I am sorry all of you are going through this and I am not saying my solution is your solution either but just sharing my story as all of you have. I am no longer depressed, frustrated, anxiety. I spoke to my pastor and started counseling for myself to fix myself. I have offered to go to marriage counseling but she said that there was nothing wrong with her. With that I have accepted that my mental health was far more important. I have a great relationship with my kids now. I take my share of responsibility that my marriage fails while she saw that I was the one that was fully responsible for it. I have never been abusive physically. She said that I was abusive to her emotionally everytime I expressed my frustrations. And with that I made my decision that I no longer want to be in a position to even be seen as an abuser. I know if i stayed in the relationship then I can say words that can hurt and I no longer want to be in that position. I will pray for all of you going through this issue. There is no one size fit all solution and it’s been rough especially for you men and women who love to be touched and intimacy.
After She told me I was emotionally abusive I became scared I have never had so much fear in my life I literally would have to think of every word or reaction that came out of my mouth before I responded or say anything. I felt like literally walking barefoot on glass. I could not love that way either
After reading this and everyones reply, I am not sure I am any closer to answers. But I see I’m not alone.
It’s not “normal” for the wife complain of alack of sex, so it is difficult to find help.
In a nut shell
He has always had low sex drive, yet blamed me for low sex in our marriage. I use to take that on, until enough time had passed that I was able to look back and see the real issue. We are great friends, but we have never, ever been lovers! He doesn’t engage in flirting, sexy talk, foreplay. We don’t go on dates. And these are new things. It’s the way it’s always been. I was just too broken to know it was wrong. Our sex life has always lacked, but about 4 years ago it dropped to only every 3-4 months. I would try new things, try to talk with him. He just said he understood, he is doing the best he can, he’s sorry for hurting me and he is hurting too knowing he can’t do enough for me no matter how much he shows me he loves me. Communication only upsets him. To him trying to talk about our problems just makes him feel like I am demanding something he can’t give. He says he is doing all he can and I need to accept where we are. He’s happy, he thinks I am choosing to be unhappy. “Sure we have issues, but who doesn’t. Just focus on the good.” It’s now been over 10 months since we have had sex. I don’t try anymore, so we don’t have sex. Well, 10 months, 2 weeks, 4 days and 22hrs!! Kidding, but anyone who is in love with their spouse and is craving a soft loving, intimate touch, understand what I mean! I think often of him, us. I watch him sleep with inches between us and it kills me. Each morning I get a kiss on the lips and I get a kiss on the lips as we go to bed. Nothing passionate, just one kiss with a smile and a “I love you”.
This morning I wanted to scream… NO YOU DON’T. But I refrained.
I just want to say thank you for this article, and thank you to all for sharing. I am able to grab some tidbits of advice/help from all of it. But for everybody reading this that has the same marriage as I do, sorry. It hurts and it is difficult. I do you take some comfort in knowing I’m not alone.
I’m leaving my wife for this same issue after 7 years of marriage and trying. When we read the scriptures (over and over throughout the time we were married), her reaction always seemed nonchalant. I’m in the process of re-enlisting in the Army, and I’m leaving my wife for good. From my experience, military women have high sex drive. This is my way of giving up.
What about many women nowadays that are having sex with other women? Go figure.
Please pray for me. 13 years of marriage and since I said I do, she has said I don’t. Totally opposite before marriage. The depression is deepining and I am ridiculed on top of that.
My wife and I have been married for 22 years. We are both Christians and leaders in our church. Before kids we had sex a couple times a week. After kids my wife was so exhausted that she was only able to have sex once a month. She told me that sex is just not a priority at all. Since our third child was born 13 years ago my wife has been playing games with me. She makes promises to have sex with me at night and then she comes to bed in the wee hours after I am asleep. I am 54. My wife just turned 50 and she is going through menopause. January through March she had 90 days worth of menstruations, bleeding like crazy. During that time we had no sex, not even a hand job. My wife now has no libido. She just went to the doctor to get her hormones checked and we are awaiting the results. After not having sex for that long, I also have ED. I am now taking Cialis which has helped me get erect again. After talking with her we are having sex now once a week but she is hating it. Her attitude is, what is the quickest way for me to be done. I have tried my very best to make her happy in bed giving her oral sex until she orgasms and then drinking it down as instructed in the Song of Solomon. Even after all that she is just not interested in sex. I feel so unloved. She has initiated sex probably 3 times in our 22 years of marriage. I feel that I am doing everything I can to love her with a sacrificial love. I have a full time job. On a recent Saturday I served God by delivering beds to the poor, I worked on my side business and made an extra $100, I vacuumed and washed her car, I vacuumed the entire house, and I made a custom closet rod for her closet. My wife’s love language is acts of service but she did not feel loved by all that. Honestly Satan is tempting me every day to kill myself. It is not Biblical to get a divorce since she has been faithful. I feel like that is the only way out. I have some hope that the results will reveal a hormonal problem that can be fixed. I am holding on to that. I love my wife and she loves me but she says that I am being legalistic by asking her to have sex. She says sex is optional in marriage. I am doing a deep study on the Song of Solomon to see what is allowed in the marriage bed and if I am doing anything wrong. Reading the other comments on here from Christian women that are being denied sex from their husbands I am wondering why God didn’t plan for me to marry you. It is just frustrating and depressing. Would you pray for my wife’s hormones to be straightened out? Would you pray for my wife’s attitude? Would you pray for me that I would not be tempted by Satan to kill myself?
Thanks for the article! Before getting married, my wife and I talked about frequency of sex. I told her 2-3 times per week would be ideal, but I would be fine with once a week if that was too demanding. She agreed to at least 1x a week. That agreement ended the day of the wedding. Over the last 8 years, my needs have been ignored for for up to 6 months at a time. I’ve had countless talks with her about the pain it causes me, how important it is for a marriage, spent thousands on couples counseling, thousands more on personal counseling for me, etc…, only to have her tell me that I, and our marriage, are priorities for her but sex will probably never be a priority for her. Not sure I follow the logic that I and our marriage are her priority and sex is exclusive of them. Even told her once that holding and cuddling her, scratching or massaging her back, and sustained hugs was a turnon, and her solution was to avoid physical contact. Anybody find that eating cotton when you’re thirsty solves the problem? I am at the end of my rope and not sure I can continue in this intimacy vacuum.
My heart goes out to everyone here. I just asked my husband for sex and was once again rejected. I am 27 and he is 33. We’ve been married nearly 2 years and sex has always been . . . a sore spot. I dreamed of the day I would be able to have sex ever since I was a teen. I saved myself for marriage and while he did not, once he became a Christian he did. The amount of nights I’ve been up crying out to God because my husband refused me again are countless. I once did a lingerie show for him and he was unimpressed saying it did nothing for him. I now walk around naked in hopes of turning him on, but it doesn’t work. I’ve been told I have a great body and that I’m very pretty, but it doesn’t mean much to me because I want my husband to tell me those things. We’ve been to counseling and talking about it—especially if I cry—only agitated him. He struggles with ED and I just don’t know how to help him. He’s tried testosterone shots but those didn’t work. He’s tried ED medicine but they made him burn up. He has gained a lot of weight since getting married and I do wonder if that’s part of the problem? But he doesn’t seem to care. I try to be clear about my turn ons and things I’d like for him to do but it feels like I’m talking to a wall.
I have cried out to God so much about this and I feel forgotten. It’s embarrassing to be a woman whose husband rejects her 9/10 times. I thought men couldn’t get enough of sex but I think Hollywood deceived us all.
I am currently losing weight and working out in hopes of making him want me again. Thought I don’t know if it will help. He just seems to have no interest in it.
I have masturbated ever since I was a little girl due to some sexual abuse I went through. I became addicted from a young age and it’s always been something I’ve tried to stop. I was sure that marriage would fix that. Jokes on me, though, bc I still do it. Is it wrong? I don’t know. But what else am I suppose to do? I can’t take rejection anymore and he gets agitated if we talk about it. Please pray for us. Please.
My husband & I were friends for years, lost contact for another three, literally walked into eachother one day at his house. Lol (his house across the street from my relatives.) We exchanged numbers & started hanging out. We became best friends. We waited FOUR months before I even kissed him! From there we fell in love so hard & fast. Best sex of my life!
We both were drinking way too much, we got in huge fights, bad stuff happened. We broke up.
Two painful months later long story short he quit drinking (as did I) & we got back together.
A year later he proposed. He hasn’t touched alcohol since we got back together. (7 years ago now.) but the night he proposed he couldn’t get — his body just wasn’t responding to sex. He was embarrassed, first time this ever happened!
From there, our sex life became non existent. I can’t help but think it has something to do with him proposing. Him getting bored. We’d talk about it & he’d brush it off “we’re getting old & busy.”
I still have a high sex drive & his is non existent. Does marrying him mean I won’t have a sex life? It pains me mentally, emotionally & physically.
The humiliation of being turned down. So now, I don’t even try. I’m in shape, 33, breast augmentation & modeled for many years.
I can’t help but think he’s cheating?
I love him, but I’m also in my prime & feel like un-connected to him bc making love is when we’re closest.
Advise pls?