What do you think sex means to your husband? Try this fun and enlightening task: Find two index cards. On one card, write these questions:
1) “When we have had great sex together, I feel and think….?”
2) “How do you feel about and what do you think about our marriage after we have had great sex?
3) “How do you feel about and what do you think about yourself after we have had great sex?”
On the second card, write these questions:
1) “When we have had great conversation together, I feel and think….?”
2) “How do you feel about and what do you think about our marriage after we have had great conversation?
3) “How do you feel about and what do you think about yourself after we have had great conversation?”
Give your husband the sex questions card to fill out while you fill out the conversation questions card. Don’t tell him that your questions are different. Then, compare your answers. You may be surprised to find that he draws the same deep connection, personal satisfaction, hope, and energy from great sex that you draw from honest, open conversation. (It’s also enlightening to have him answer the conversation questions and you answer the sex questions.)
It’s easy as wives to roll our eyes in disdain and say “all he thinks about is sex,” as if thinking about married sex is bad (and like thinking frequently about how to “get that man to talk to me” is better somehow). But since when is it bad to think about sex with your wife? Especially when sex makes men (and women) feel loved, noticed, validated, important, needed, connected, empowered, respected, confident, hopeful, cared for, and yes, energized (despite the snorgasm he might have directly afterwards—it’s a physiological thing—he’s really not a jerk for falling asleep so quickly).
Wives need to understand that husbands get far more from sex than physical release; they get what wives get from great conversation (and from sex too): clear confirmation of being loved, respected, and valued. A wife who understands this can then have a heart of compassion toward her husband and his typically higher sex drive instead of resenting his need for frequent sex.
So, what did your husband say that sex means to him? If he is okay with you sharing, please post his answers in the “Leave a Reply” box below.
CWIVES understand what sex means to husbands.