Premature ejaculation is the most common male sexual problem; according to Rekindling Desire, “3 in 10 adult males experience early ejaculation.” This begs the question: What is early? How long is a man supposed to last? Ten minutes, an hour, until the cows come home?

Good questions, but there aren’t clear answers. We do know that when men have intercourse, the average time from first vaginal penetration to ejaculation is 2 to 7 minutes. Most men ejaculate in ten minutes or less, so very few are able to “last” through lengthy intercourse despite what may have been bragged about in the locker room.

The bottom line: if you and your husband are enjoying adequate foreplay, and his ejaculation is earlier than both of you want, and if that reduces sexual satisfaction, then premature ejaculation is an issue for you to address as a couple. If you don’t address it, you may find that over time, your husband (and/or you) may begin to lose interest in sex because of a repeated sense of failure and the anticipatory anxiety associated with sexual performance (you can read more about this in earlier blogs).

“Fix it yourself” remedies, such as reducing sexual arousal by wearing multiple condoms, using a desensitizing cream, or distracting himself with calculus equations, can make the situation worse because instead of learning ejaculatory control, he just feels less aroused–which can result in losing his erection.  A better solution is for the couple to work together so he can learn ejaculatory control. You can read more about this three-phase process in Restoring the Pleasure, but in short, this process helps men become aware of the physical sensations leading up to “ejaculatory inevitability,” or the point after which he will ejaculate no matter what–your mother could walk in on the two of you, and he would still ejaculate because an involuntary physiological response has been triggered. (“Ejaculatory inevitability”–have you ever noticed how sex therapists manage to come up with the most unromantic terms to describe making love?) Once he is aware of these sensations, the couple works together to gradually help him learn ejaculatory control, first with manual stimulation and then with intercourse. The goal is mutually satisfying, pleasurable intercourse–not a certain length of time that he has to “last.”

If your husband has lost interest in sex, think back to earlier sexual experiences. Did he struggle with premature ejaculation? If your answer is “yes, then this untreated issue may be contributing to his loss of desire.

Question: What “fix it yourself” remedies for premature ejaculation have you heard of? Ask your husband, he may heard of some that will make us shake our heads in disbelief.